Straying from societal expectations: Deciding whether or not to have more than one child
Separating societal norms of what an "ideal" family looks from my own desires
Happy new year! Grateful that you’re here, and I hope that we all continue to be on a journey of self-growth and mental wellness together. To start this new year, I’m starting an ongoing series about tuning out external noise and being bold in doing what’s best for you. I’ll go through examples of fairly major decisions I’ve made for myself and my family, where I went head-to-head against societal pressures and expectations. One of my biggest accomplishments in 2023 was working harder to care less about what others think and being bolder in my own pursuits and decisions. As a long-time people-pleaser (even though it pains me to admit it), it was often hard and uncomfortable going through it, but I’ve made some progress. I’m excited to share what I’ve learned so far, and it’s something I’m continuing to work on this year.
In dealing with societal pressures, I’ve found that the key to tuning out the noise stems back to (1) acknowledging the pressures, (2) questioning its validity and if it’s necessary to attain your goals, and (3) choosing to take risks on different decisions (should they differ from “societal expectations”). Continued practice of doing this has helped me build confidence in my own decisions across different facets of life. If you struggle with the pressures of society as well, I’m hoping that my experiences are relatable and helpful in your journey of growth.
The first topic in my series is about whether or not I want to have another child. This decision gave me so much anxiety last year, but I’m currently happy with where I landed (sharing my decision later in the article), following the approach above.
Acknowledging the pressures: The “vision” vs. the reality
I used to be convinced that I wanted a family of 4. 2 kids, ideally 1 boy and 1 girl. That’s what my parents and many of my friends have. It’s what’s depicted in many movies and TV shows as the picture-perfect family. But these days, I’m not so sure anymore. Was that thought something that was planted in my head from my own upbringing and from societal expectation to have more children? Or was it something I actually wanted? This was definitely a frequent topic of discussion with my therapist last year.
Halfway through last year, I felt this sudden urge to make a decision (or at least have a strong POV) about whether or not to have more children due to a ticking biological clock. Another contributing factor was always getting questions or comments from others like, “So… you ready for another one?” or “Looks like Mara needs a sibling!” My birthday passed in July and Mara turned 3 (with each year of her life feeling relatively easier). With the clock ticking, I felt really stressed about having to decide if I wanted another. Anxious thoughts of, “Do I want to do this again?” and “Can we handle it?” were constantly spiraling in my head, especially because I went through months of severe postpartum anxiety after giving birth to Mara.
With some help from my therapist, we broke the decision down into 2 questions: (1) Do I want another kid? and (2) Do I (and my partner) have the capacity for another?
The start of my mental journey, leading with the assumption that I wanted another kid
Without really thinking through the answer to Question 1 and assuming that it was always part of our plans to have two kids (it’s what I had always pictured, it seemed like the “right” thing to do), I found myself going straight to and obsessing over Question 2, whether or not we had the capacity for another kid. It gave me a lot of anxiety. Anxiety about not feeling prepared. That there were a lot of things mentally that Tommy and I needed to work on improving about ourselves and our situation to better handle two children. Financial concerns were part of the equation, but the mental concerns were the ones giving me the most strife. Some of the things I thought about were… how would we make it through if either I or Tommy were not mentally prepared? What would happen to us as a couple and as a family if we were extremely anxious or overwhelmed (since this has caused issues and resentment in the past)? The possibility of having less time with Mara and Tommy individually, and the fact that I didn’t want to do postpartum again were top of mind. I had also just started to really feel like myself again (indulging in regular self-care, getting into a rhythm with my new job), so the thought of having to start over was scary.
Conclusion #1 (answering if I was capable of having another child):
Shortly after my birthday in July, after a few months of deliberation, I came to the conclusion that I would be capable of having another kid. On the postpartum front, I had more experience now. I went through severe postpartum anxiety and came out on the other side. I’ve gone to therapy, have tools that I didn’t have the first time around, and am incredibly invested in my mental health. Other friends and people I know are figuring it out with 2+ children; surely we could figure it out too. On the mental things Tommy and I needed to work on, I had deep chats with him about what we’d need to improve about ourselves to better set us up for success. I told him that if we wanted one, I’d want to have one soon, so I could get it over with (lol, a lovely mindset to have right?). And in having another child, I could prove to myself that I was capable of doing it again and maybe share my learnings with others.
This conclusion about possibly having another kid gave me some relief and confidence, and I started thinking about potentially having another child soon. But for some reason, in the following weeks, I still found myself questioning my own conclusion again and again. Something just didn’t feel right.
Questioning the validity of societal pressures and if they’re necessary to achieve my goals
So I thought about it more in the following months and revisited properly answering Question 1. Did I want another child? And why did I want another?
Mainstream society seemed to reinforce that a family is more complete with 2+ children. That siblings can keep each other company. That an only child might be spoiled and lonely. The list goes on. However, just going along with that assumption the first go-around clearly didn’t sit well with me, and I found myself questioning the validity of it. Are siblings the only way to provide company for your child? Is an only child destined to be spoiled and lonely? Is a family of 3 really incomplete?
Setting aside societal expectations and digging deeper into my own motivations, I think the main reason I wanted another child was to have Mara experience being an older sister, to have another person in this life that would grow up with her, provide familial support, and to create memories with. To be there for her when Tommy and I get older. As a distant second reason to having a kid, it was also to prove to myself that I’m capable of doing it again and to share my learnings with others. Honestly, I wasn’t looking forward to having another child, but I also knew that my heart (and capacity) would absolutely grow if I had another.
It seemed like having another kid was more for Mara (and less for me), which is not a bad thing since many parents want what’s best for their children. However, if that was the case, were there other ways I could achieve my primary goal? Of having Mara grow up with close people that were like family and to create memories with, without me having another kid?
The answer I landed on was yes. There are other ways that I can achieve my goals. Sure, it may not be an exact 1 for 1 replacement for Mara having a sibling. But I had options:
To give Mara people to grow up and create memories with: Without having a second child, I could make time for Mara to have regular playdates, hangouts, and vacations with close friends and extended family. Growing up, I remember so fondly that my mom regularly took my close friends with us on trips. And we felt like family. I was also inspired by my coworker who told me about how she has 1 daughter, and she’d often take her brother’s kids during the summers. So her only daughter ended up growing up really close to her cousins.
To provide Mara familial support and be there for her as Tommy and I get older: Sibling aside, Mara will be forming relationships with people throughout her life; in the future, her significant other or other close friends might be able to support her like family would. In my situation, I have an incredibly supportive older brother. But I also have Tommy and other best friends who feel like my family, and I know I can count on them for anything, even to help with my parents. It would probably be more uncomfortable to ask, but I trust that they would be there to support me.
Like I mentioned, siblings and non biologically-related friends are not 100% the same. But sometimes someone’s “chosen family” can feel really close to being true family (sometimes, they can even be better). For any other k-pop fans, I’m a huge BTS fan, and c’mon, the 7 of them. All unrelated. Totally family. On the flip side, challenging the assumption that biological siblings are close, many parents (and friends with siblings) have told me that having a sibling does not guarantee that you are close to one another. Best-case scenario, siblings get along and have a strong bond. But there are so many times where the relationship between siblings is neutral or even strained.
The list of preconceived notions about having children or having an “only child” are really long. But where I netted was that a lot of the societal pressures I felt were not always valid and there were other ways to achieve the goals I had for my family.
Conclusion #2 (answering if I wanted another child) and being bold in my decision:
Thinking through all of this, I came to the conclusion last year that I’m really happy with our family of 3. It feels complete to me. The answer to Question 1, “Do I want another child?”, was that I didn’t feel that strongly to have another. At least, not right now. And maybe forever? There are other ways that can satisfy my reasons for wanting a second kid. We recently got back from a short getaway with friends and their kids, and Mara had so much fun playing with all her friends for 4 days straight. But she’s back home now and just as happy. Also, if I really changed my mind later in life about wanting another child, I could either try to have a child at that time. Or I could look into other options like adoption and see if they were right for us.
This conclusion gave me so much more relief. More relief than the initial conclusion of being capable of having another child. And honestly, I haven’t really questioned myself since. (Whereas I found myself questioning myself over and over again when I landed on maybe having another one soon.) I took that as a sign that this is more aligned with what I really want and prefer at this moment in time versus adhering to societal “norms” of having 2+ children. Tommy and I would definitely figure it out if we had another child (and love him or her immensely), but it’s not what we want right now. Or ever. Only time will tell. I’ve told others about my decision, and my close friends and family have been supportive. That has helped me build confidence that I can be “selfish” in decisions like these and still be accepted by those who love me. Having children is such a personal decision. So whatever your stance is on having 1 child, multiple children, or no children, just know that it’s all okay, especially if you’re staying true to what makes sense for you and your family.
In life, it can be easy to get swept up in what we think are societal “norms”; hell, this still happens to me on the regular. But when dealing with major decisions (e.g. like deciding if you want a child), you’ll feel so much better, knowing it’s a decision you made for yourself and not others. So the next time you are feeling external pressure, try tuning out the noise by (1) acknowledging it, (2) questioning its validity and if it’s necessary to attain your goals, and (3) taking a risk on whatever path feels right for you. You’ll learn so much about yourself in the process and build confidence in your decisions (or ability to adapt as needed) over time.
I’m committed to tuning out external noise and living life more authentically for me and my family. So stay tuned for more examples where I went through these mental exercises to stray from other societal expectations and do what’s best for me. I’m thinking the next one will likely be around my slight career change last year.