Step 1 in undoing burnout and anxiety: Confront the damn thing
What if I told you that the beliefs causing your anxiety might be lies?
In my last post, I talked about my 4 steps to undo burnout and severe anxiety. This post dives deeper into Step 1: Confront my anxieties, uncover the beliefs driving them, and take (uncomfortable) actions to build confidence. I use my own story to illustrate my process, and I hope there are parallels that can be drawn to your own.
Last year, my anxiety was at an all-time high. My negative thoughts were overwhelming. My anxieties about work sounded like this: “I’m so behind on work…Everyone’s doing better than me…If I don’t do a good job on that presentation, I’m going to look bad…I hate what I’m doing, but I need to do it to sustain my life and family…” Parental anxieties sounded like this: “Why am I doing everything?…I’m so tired from work, but I also need to cook dinner…Why can’t my husband just help me out without me having to ask every time?…If I don’t do it, no one else will…” My anxiety manifested physiologically as well, in the form of elevated breathing when I’d wake up (mini panic attacks) and being quick to tears (especially on Sundays, when I was overwhelmed with my dread of going back to work).
What made me get help?
For almost a year, these feelings persisted and worsened. Even when I went on vacation or had extended time off during the holidays, my anxiety subsided for a couple days but then quickly returned even if I had ample vacation time left. The constant anxiety from work prevented me from being fully present in my personal life. I started to question if this level of anxiety was normal. I reached out to friends who experienced anxiety and depression, and their stories sounded so similar to mine. A mix of therapy, medication, and/or time off helped them, so I started to look into these options for myself. In February 2022, I started my journey with therapy to address my severe anxiety and burnout.
Getting started with therapy and my biggest takeaway
I’ve always considered myself very rational and self-aware, so I wasn’t sure what I’d discover through therapy. Therapy ended up being like the movie, “Inception,” helping me infiltrate numerous layers of my subconscious. Like peeling back layers of an onion. It helped me unpack my hidden beliefs and reveal negative biases I didn’t realize were influencing me on a daily basis.
My biggest takeaway from therapy was that many of my beliefs (which caused my anxiety) ended up being false. This post shares the approach that helped me uncover what was really happening beneath my anxiety. Therapy helped me immensely throughout this whole process, but not having a therapist doesn’t proclude anyone from attempting to do this on their own. I found the approach extremely helpful in understanding more about myself and my beliefs, challenging some of those thoughts and assumptions, and seeing if I could prevent myself from spiraling the next time I felt anxious.
INCEPTION LEVEL #1: Confronting my anxiety and learning my ABCs
My therapist used cognitive behavioral therapy with me, which is a method that helps people “become aware of inaccurate or negative thinking so you can view challenging situations more clearly and respond to them in a more effective way” (Mayo Clinic). To start diagnosing my anxiety, she shared a simple framework called the the A-B-Cs (which is a widely recognized framework to help people recognize irrational events and beliefs, more here):
A: What is the activating event (or antecedent) that triggers you?
B: What beliefs do you have in this situation?
C: What is the consequence and reaction you have?
The goal of this framework was to understand my core beliefs behind my anxiety, identify where those beliefs came from, and to prevent inaccurate beliefs from dictating my behaviors and reactions. As homework, my therapist told me to do my A-B-Cs for instances that triggered my anxiety. At first, this exercise seemed straightforward. I wrote down some examples, and we’d use our sessions to walk through my triggers, beliefs, and actions.
Here were some examples of my actual ABCs last year:
Once we did enough of these examples week over week, I was surprised that almost all my anxiety stemmed from these underlying core beliefs:
I’m not good enough for other people. They don’t appreciate me/my work.
I can’t recover if I fall behind or fail.
I’m stuck; it’s too late for me to explore new opportunities.
I need to be in control or else things will go wrong / won’t get done.
INCEPTION LEVEL #2: Uncovering my distorted thinking
Level #1 uncovered many limiting beliefs about myself that I needed to address, but my therapist helped me dig even deeper and uncover some of my distorted thinking, “internal mental filters or biases that increase our misery, fuel our anxiety, and make us feel bad about ourselves” (Harvard Health Publishing). In response to my beliefs, she’d ask me a simple question… ok, so what? So what would happen if those beliefs were true?
My answers were eye-opening. I discovered that whenever an anxiety-inducing event happened, my mind was on autopilot, likely running through worst-case scenarios (the “So what…”? column below) on top of my self-sabotaging beliefs (the “Beliefs” column below). Essentially the “What I tell myself” column were thoughts disguised as facts that subconsciously ran through my mind every time a triggering event happened.
With seemingly trivial events (it just being Sunday or having an inbox of emails) making me feel like I wouldn’t be able to provide for my family, no wonder I was so damn anxious all the time.
INCEPTION LEVEL #3: Questioning the validity of my beliefs and thoughts
Once I had a grasp on these beliefs and biases, my therapist encouraged me to question whether or not these beliefs were true or realistic (essentially any of the 3 right columns above - Beliefs, So what’s, and What I tell myself). For this exercise, I found it particularly helpful to have another point of view, whether it’s from your therapist, a partner, family member or friend. So that you have someone that’s more detached from these scenarios and can provide more objective perspectives.
Reading the statements above, I realized that most were a bit ridiculous and untrue. Even if they were partial-truths, they were not imminent fears. They were more nuanced than the black and white thoughts above. Examples below:
Was it true that I was falling behind at work? Was it true that if I lost my job that I would have no options to support my family?
No, these aren’t quite true. Sure, I might be behind on a few emails (or even projects). But I had gotten a decent rating in my last performance review, so I’m probably not that behind. Even if I lost my job, I have years of experience working at numerous places, so it’s possible for me to find other jobs. It’ll take work in this economic climate, the pay might be different, but it’s possible. In the meantime, I have some savings to support my family.
Was it true that if I didn’t work at night, I would lose my job?
No. If something urgently needed to get done at night, someone would likely talk to me about it the next day. I’d likely have some time to react, assuming I had a good manager/team that would give me feedback, before I lost my job.
Was it true that I wasn’t good enough for my managers and teammates?
This belief was probably the hardest for me to get over, likely because I had more deeply rooted “trauma” here (e.g. growing up with a fairly strict “tiger mom” that wanted me to be the best at everything I did, which instilled a deep sense of high expectations for myself). More about how I overcame this another day. Bringing it back to work, I worked a lot, and I constantly still felt like I was at a deficit compared to those around me. My therapist proposed alternate framing to help me navigate this: maybe it wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough, maybe the people around me were just overly particular and hard to please. This had nothing to do with me, and who were these people to define my worth? I’m much more than what one person or a few people think of me.
Was it true that I had to do everything for Mara or else Tommy would leave me?
I told Tommy about this fear. He said it was a crazy thought, that it was very untrue. He wanted to help me; he just didn’t know how to sometimes. But he was open to talking through how he could better support me.
I couldn’t believe that these skewed, inaccurate thoughts were the primary culprits for almost a year of crippling anxiety.
THE KICK: Zooming out and changing my actions to reduce anxiety and build confidence
Having increased awareness about my limiting beliefs and biases in response to triggering events was life-changing. I was able to think about these situations in healthier, more rational ways, confronting my negative self-talk in the act. It ultimately helped me choose different responses that would not trap me in my previous spirals of anxiety.
For example, the next time a Sunday rolled around, I took my mind off work by doing something I enjoyed like watching my favorite TV show without guilt and spending time with my family. I reminded myself that I could figure work out during the week, and I wasn’t on the verge of immediately being fired (unforeseen layoffs aside). To help with parental responsibilities, I asked Tommy if we could divvy up responsibilities a bit more. He was happy to help, and he understood my desire for more support. Most importantly, he didn’t leave me.
It was hard and uncomfortable to do at first. Over time, continuing to choose healthier responses to anxiety-inducing situations became more habitual and second-nature. I realized my actions didn’t usually result in worst case scenarios, and my anxiety slowly subsided. I started to gain confidence that I could rebound even if things didn’t go according to plan.
Conclusion
I know firsthand that anxiety can be crippling. It can feel like you’re stuck with no options. That’s how I felt a year ago. With some work (either through therapy or through your own reflection), you’ll realize that you have options. That some of your thoughts are likely inaccurate or nuanced. Things won’t change overnight. But I found this ABC framework to be a useful tool that helped me identify my subconscious beliefs and take action to prevent myself from spiraling further into anxiety. I still use this framework frequently to help me regulate my own anxiety levels. Maybe it can help someone else too.
Thanks for reading, and let me know if you have any questions. Next week, I’ll dive into how I started to identify my personal values and priorities, which helped me uncover the most meaningful aspects of my life. And see that there’s life beyond work.